We've all been set up on blind dates before, right? This email that I received this week is quite possibly the best approach I've ever seen, heard or read.
"Before we begin, let me say that this (email) will probably fall in the category of “Emma’s top 10 all time most awkward emails." And trust me I’ve written A LOT of awkward emails.
That being said, here we go…
Travis this is Stacy. Stacy this is Travis.
1. You both are sort of Asian… I think, 'hell I don’t know, but I’ve been set up for weirder things.'
2. You both travel. (or so I hear)
3. You both are outstanding members of the LDS church. (as far as I know)
4. You both are single (if this is not the case then you can stop reading now).
So when you combine these four factors, the result is (obviously) Matchmaking Nirvana… or at least to a certain coworker I have. I personally think it’s ridiculous. The chances of crap like this working is about as likely as Matt Damon showing up on my door step… riding a unicorn… nekkid.
Anyhoo, normally (because I set people up soooooo often) I would have just given a phone number to you, Travis, and let things go from there. But oddly enough, Stacy here doesn’t have a phone at the moment (sigh). She claims she didn’t really need one while she was in ECUADOR taking care of little ORPHAN BABIES (fact) and also claims to “really enjoy” the freedom that phonelessness gives her (crazy hippy talk). I figure that will change now that she’s got a big girl job … if not we probably won’t be friends anymore (kidding, sort of… you're walking a fine line Miss Stacy). So I’m giving you each other’s email address and you can exchange whatever information y’all want (if you want). Or you can totally blow each other off (at least that is what I would do).
Moving on, based on my conversations with you (Travis, I’ve talked to you probably less than 5 minutes since I’ve known you. HA! And Stacy, minus that whole phone bit, and the stint with old-man window air conditioner repair guy) I think both of you are pretty normal. I doubt you’ll have to worry about stalking issues or the like. Just in case, though, you’ll probably want to meet up in a public place (Walmart, Redbox, Super Target if you're fancy-like).
So there you go kids… have fun stormin’ the castle.
Oh there’s one more thing. Did I mention, I think you two are probably related? (Queue “Big Love” theme song…Warren Jeffs is applauding right now).
The more I write the more I’m realizing this is bound to be an EPIC FAIL, but I figure it will result in a hilarious story… so just to pacify my coworker (she digs playing matchmaker), go to dinner (lunch? Ice blocking?). Definitely keep it cheap (del taco on a Tuesday?), go dutch even!… you can exchange frequent flier miles, talk about your cousins, write a travel log (or whatever you kids do these days), then go your separate ways.
On the off chance that this does work (which it won’t, these things never do) I’ll expect this email to be printed, framed and hanging in your living room.
Best wishes for wonderful life together... or at least 15 minutes at the Dairy Queen."
I guess all that remains now is to see just how great Del Taco can be on a Tuesday night.